So many thoughts racing on my mind and plentiful of feelings looking up and seeking for direction. I sit back and think how lives have changed and so have thoughts. I live in a racing world with no definite goals. I tend to look up for paycheques and not the people who make a difference in my life. I don’t forget them but yes fail to acknowledge that they are remembered. Its just a matter of years, I guess that life has changed so soon.
I miss the simplicity of those days. My grandma’s warmth, doing home works, packing my school bag according to the next day’s routine, the lunch box that my mother made for me every morning no matter how sick she felt, the report cards and the following treat, all now seem like a distant past. From school to college and now to the office desk has been a long journey with a lot of trials, losses and victories. I wish at times, that if we had a time table for everything and planning about our lives would have been as simple as arranging our school bags, what would like be like? From letters to emails, phone calls to sms and albums to ‘Facebook’ updates is now our current lifestyle syndrome. Today I seem to have everything but a lot of nothings as well. Just don’t know where and how to figure out the questions that refreshes with the end of each day.
I went to watch ‘Guzarish’ today morning. Nice movie enclosed with the entire Sanjay Leela Bansali larger than life image. As I watched the movie, all that I could relate to was the time, now like an era to me, when I was recovering in bed for 10 long months. That was one kind of a time for me in my lifetime. I still can’t forget the frustration that I went through each day at least once every day till I accepted it as a part of me. I remember how I used to crave to even turn sides and watch out of the window to see the greenery around but all that I had were concrete structures that made me stronger and keep alive in me the urge to recover. I would look at the clock to strike 4 in the evening and gaze at the door to know who would come to see me today and some days just prayed to be alone. Sleepless nights and sleepy mornings. I would be contented every night just to know that a day had passed. White walls, white bed and the stereo checked patterned uniform made me feel like a prisoner. Medications and medications were all that piled on me.
But I had some of my most amazing days too. I never would have had a better chance to know what I meant to others and what others meant to me. I would never know what freedom meant even if you had the best of all comforts. I had the best birthday party ever. I realise today that life is just too short for sorting out differences and strategic planning. I missed life and my loved ones just in those 12hrs when I was completely sedated. I feel the pain when u want to live when you don’t have a chance to with the ones you foresee your existence. Strange that what I could not have understood consciously, I was taught the entire gist of it without conscious. No wonder, they say that the subconscious is stronger than consciousness. Can’t thank life enough for endorsing me with a new one in a single chance.
