‘Hello’… I miss you!!!

It has been a complete year and a month that I last heard that warm and special ‘hello’ over the phone.

His voice always carried the charm, warmth and happiness whenever I spoke to him over the phone from the time I have been away from home to pave a ‘career path’.

And when in person, I needn’t mention the warm hug that followed.

Today if I crave for something several times in a day is that phone call from home, from Dad.

For 2 years when he was keeping unwell, I remember rushing home every long weekend to be at home, to be with my family and it’s been pretty some time that I last felt like before.

Each time I left home to catch the train back to Kolkata, I used to wake him up to say ‘good bye’ and each time then, he bid me ‘good bye’ with damp eyes and a ‘not-so happy’ smile.

It made me feel like a guilty, every time; to chase a life at such an irrecoverable cost and I succumbed to it so well.

I still recall the Sunday, when I went to see him in the hospital. The first man of my life, whose stature I looked up to, was lying down on metal framed white bed, facing the window outside, helpless & captive.

This time when I confronted him, I confronted him along with his tears. Tears that expressed his helplessness of let his life gradually slip by without his consent & those that told me how badly I was missed.

When all the while I was away paving the ‘career path’ that I owed to him, he so easily explained that his recovery was not with the doctors but with me. Wish I knew why he trusted me so much.

For all the ten days that he was under medical supervision, I could feel how helpless he was feeling.  For every bed that had somebody discharged in person or otherwise, had his hopeful eyes on it.

All that he wanted from me was a ‘good night kiss’ and what he called as ‘good night reiki’. J

Simple request and difficult execution!!!

For the first time in these 2 years, as I was again leaving home to come back to Kolkata, after his discharge, I did not wake him up.

I was somewhere afraid that, if I wake him up I would see his soggy eyes again and I chose the easier way.

Each phone call, that flashed on my phone that read ‘home calling’ was no more a joy thereafter. Sleepless nights and worried mornings were all they could denote to me.

4^th July, at 11.40pm; my phone flashed again. Dad was no more. I had to rush home again but this time to see him in a reformed form.

As I managed to reach my ex- vacation spot, I see the white glass car & so many people in front of my gate.

I see him lying down on the floor in our bedroom, all calm, composed and with a smile of peace. He looked so much alive, may be because he was really alive then.

I touched him to re-confirm and he was hard with a soft skin and a strange coldness. Yes, he was cold to this part of ‘life’ now.

From that day onwards, I wish I hadn’t seen him make a journey in the white glass car.

I wish I could have been there with him to hold his hand when they were warm.

I wish I had taken the effort to wake him up to say ‘good bye’ before leaving for Kolkata.

I wish I could hear that ‘Hello’ again….

Caught up in Traffic!!!

Since yesterday I feel so caught up.

Caught up just like I feel everyday when I am late by just 4 mins and am running to get hold of THE yellow cab that would ‘oblige’ me by driving me to work that would in turn drive my day.

Caught up just like the way my blessed cab gets caught at every possible traffic signal and I am like “oh no, not again”. Yes, I say this to myself almost every day with a meager light of improvement.

Stranded at the lane that is JUST 2.5 minutes away from my office cab pickup and where I can save on the next 24 bucks and then it so normally happens to slip off my wallet. I miss the office cab again... Sigh!!!

That’s exactly how my mind is breathing and frantically looking for that ‘meager light’.

My, is this my life...Welcome myself to the rate race. Yes, I am so much part of this now. I was trying to save myself all this while and here I am.

I have been trying to motivate myself all day long, thinking of the best and the worst times I have been through and I don’t believe that I am in the spider web.

I have been so mindless to over sit at my workplace, trying to sort an issue that should not have deserved the time I gave it from my life span.

As I motivated myself back home, I saw a rickshaw crossing me with a girl and her crutches along with her. My situation was way better than how she could have been feeling each time using it and I felt a little better.

Once I finally got home I realized that my mother & a cup of tea were more eagerly waiting for me. She was happier to see me than anyone else in the world would have been then. Her hug did the magic that my intensive thinking for hours failed to do. The soothing light of my bedroom was such a haven and I was trying to sort silly issues beyond this. This is why it is said ‘home sweet home’. Now this was awakening.

Around 2 hours later, my dear friend calls up to say ‘hi’ with a patient ear and I was back to the normal ‘me’ and with a better capacity to allow to let go of, my so ‘called’ issues and initiate to fix them as nothing could be more important than the time my life was allotting me to spend, that needed more of my attention. J

Though I still feel a little caught up, I am also a little soothedJ.